Oh Yaaro, Yeh India Bula Liya!

Genre: India

Amidst much fanfare, the Commonwealth Games 2010 begin today in Delhi with a spectacular Opening Ceremony, and being halfway across the globe from India, technology came in the way of me seeing it live, what with the IP address based blackouts imposed by live streaming sites in USA. On the other hand, technology came handy in another form to keep me entertained and informed about the event. Yes, Twitter to the rescue! If you missed the live show like me, or just want to re-live the experience, here are some extremely creative, witty, humorous, silly updates I enjoyed on Twitter-

Note: Please scroll down to the end of this post and start reading the tweets bottom-up to be in the right chronological order.

BDUTT: History turns full circle. Gandhi and the dandi march to the strains of a beautiful tears-inducing Vaishnava Janato, as Charles looks on!

sunainak: We have so many Shakiras at our opening ceremony

sairamiyer: More ppl on the #CWG train than total population of St Kitts & Nevis, Nauru, Lesotho, Turk & Caicos & The Gambia

shanx13: Man that neon humanoid is super cool! #CWG opening is beyond my wildest expectations! #awesome

gkhamba: OH MY GOD! They recreated samay from Mahabharata

DelhiDean: #CWG opening is the most honest depiction of India I've seen. Brilliant choreography of its chaos and energy.

gkhamba: Disappointed that Shilpa Shetty's Yoga video isn't playing on the aerostat

gkhamba: Yoga is starting. Baba Ramdev will now boost athletes performance, heal dengue and cure white people of homosexuality

gkhamba: Raas Leela between Krishna and the Gopis. No Rahul Mahajan in sight

sunainak: If I didn't know this was the CWG Opening Ceremony, I'd wonder why we're celebrating Republic Day earlier this year.

twilightfairy: Yes #CWG2010, army ke bina tumhara kuch nahi ho sakta thaa. Army band playing on. Feels like school days again

gkhamba: "Let the Gems begin". This Pratibha Patil speech was brought to you by Cadbury's

shanx13: Abdul Kalam Azad!!! Kalmadi you idiot... Can someone tie him to the afterburner of a MiG 21 please? #fail

flyyoufools: First time I've heard Pratibha speak.

diogeneb: Charles:"Abeyaar, baton kahan gaya?" Kalmadi:"Oye, abhi to Diana"

gkhamba: Pratibha Patil can now star on NBC's Outsourced

gkhamba: So wait, the baton had to travel from Buckingham to 71 countries just so we could give it back to Charles? B%$#C$## apne saath khud le aata

gkhamba: Why aren't the environmentalists pissed at the carbon footprint of this damn baton?

samar11: Kalmadi was fighter pilot in 1971, why couldn't the pakistanis have shot him down then?

sidin: Indian Railways also has a great ad for the occasion. First class! I shed 2 Tiers of pride.

shanx13: Who the hell are those fat aunties in the Indian contingent? I seriously hope they're not competing

gkhamba: Someone slap MMS and Patil and tell them to smile, wave, DO SOMETHING!

sunainak: Pratibha Patil ko bhi paseena aata hai

gkhamba HOLY! Indian contingent is HERE :D Looks like 680 people coming to drop off Abhinav Bindra at the airport

gkhamba: Turks and Caicos islands. Karan Johar is getting a shitload of new locations to get a "new look" for his movie

gkhamba: Tonga. Banned in North Delhi and parts of Calcutta

gkhamba: Swaziland. Where illegal Punjabi immigrants land up thinking they're going to Switzerland

sifar: Wow, the St. Kitts placard holder is HOT! #cwg

gkhamba: Sri Lanka is here. Crowd goes WTF not again. #TooMuchCricket

gkhamba: The South African contingent is here. Unfortunately, Lalit Modi is not the flagbearer

gkhamba: Singapore. The crowd roars because of the easy visa and cheap flight tickets

lavsmohan: Seychelles sea shells on the sea shore

samar11: Thought I knew every country but never heard of Niue

sunainak: Some place called Samoa. Damn they just missed it by a S! #Samosa

twilightfairy: yes good question. where is that widow from nigeria whose hubby left her so much money that she wanted my bank acct no?

gkhamba: The hot women leading the contingents are brought to you by the Frankfinn Air-hostess Academy

gkhamba: Here comes Nigeria. Kalmadi sent them a mail offering 1,00,000 $s in exchange for a vote. They said "We're not falling for that one".

shanx13: The Isle of Man flag is like Supercool!

twilightfairy: "isle of man" - yeh kaunse desh hain bhai??

sidin: Huge contingent from England. Not the first time that has happened. Hope they go back soon this time

sunainak: Falkland Islands are the opposite of Virgin Islands?

shanx13: The Raj gives it back to us! The English contingent wears Indian clothes for the #CWG opening. Now that's a #win. I Like

LimeIce: Whats with the Virgin in British Virgin Islands? How were all these people born?

diogeneb: Bermuda contingent is wearing 'full pant'. #Outrage

tantanoo: I am so getting this Aerostat thingy for my wedding. #dahej

mohak: Prince Charles has texted the Queen "Mom, you are missing this awesome shit, Camilla is tripping on the beats" #CWG

gkhamba: Stadium looking hot. Manmohan Singh walking in with the only man who can steal money from Rajnikanth - Mr. Kalmadi.

STOP! You have reached the end. Now start reading upwards from here.

Un-commonwealth Games

Genre: India

I have been told there is something called Commonwealth Games that will start in New Delhi in 80 days from now and will bring hundreds of foreign athletes. But considering general lack of interest among Indians in any game that is not cricket, and the incomplete infrastructure at the "Games Village", I think it would be better off if the Indian Government shifts the event out into the streets of Delhi and instead of the usually boring events, add some variety to it by featuring some uncommon events like these-

1. Yamuna Survival Race

Instead of swimming up and down in crystal clear waters of swimming pools, participants will be given the more challenging task of swimming in the dark thick mucky water-like liquid that flows in Yamuna, their path blocked by hundreds of strategically placed floating plastic bags, bottles and bathing buffalos. This will drain out (no pun intended) the participants and will attract huge crowds.

2. Rapist Run

This will be a women-only event where the participants will have to smartly dodge several men out to grope them on roads and possibly rape them in cars. Hundreds of experienced volunteers from GRAD (Gropers & Rapists Association of Delhi) have expressed interest in providing their service for this event. "I have groped and passed lewd comments at more than 500 women so far in parks and roads of Central Delhi during my career and I am excited about the service we can provide during the Games", said Pappu Sharma, GRAD chairaman.

3. New Delhi station Obstacle Course

In this event, participants will be brought to New Delhi railway station with instructions to board particular trains, and the controllers will shift the arrival of the train from, say, Platform No. 3 to Platform No. 16 just two minutes prior to arrival, thereby challenging the participants to make their way through the stampede of thousands of passengers, strewn luggage and narrow bridges to make it to the right platform in time. An insider said, this event will be made more challenging by not announcing the coach position of arriving trains or displaying random coach positions to make the run even more difficult for the participants. Jaspal Singh, controller at New Delhi 'B' cabin gushed, "We have been doing this on a daily basis since years now, you know it gives an adrenaline rush, now I am glad we have been asked to do the same for the Games!"

4. BMW presents Dodge Me If You Can

This event will involve participants dodging their way, saving their life across streets of Greater Kailash as a bunch of drunk sons of rich influential businessmen prowl in their BMWs to run them over. This event has brought a lot of excitement among GK-2 residents, evident in the voice of Raj Malhotra who gushed, "I have my BMW M6 Coupe ready and raring to go! I can't wait to hit the streets and try running over a few hapless participants! I have already challenged Bunty that I can mow down more pedestrians than his X3! Yo man! It's gonna be fun!"

5. Shoot Red Beacons

This is probably the most interesting event and will be held on Rajpath and Janpath. Similar to clay shooting, this will comprise of participants standing at vantage points between India Gate and Rashtrpati Bhawan ready to shoot as many red beacon lights as possible installed atop the passing Ambassadors and other VIP cars. It is estimated that every participant will get around 78 targets to shoot considering the number of red-beacon VIP cars seen in this area on any given day. "Getting crowd to see this event will not be a problem", explained a mamber of Games organing committee, "because anyways whenever any VIP cars are passing, we stop all traffic on all sides for 30 minutes or more, resulting is massive traffic jams. I am sure we will provide wholesome entertainment to the common citizens of Delhi by this event."

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Note from the writer-

Do not worry. Nothing of this sort will happen.

To experience the best Indian hospitality
Visit Delhi for the Commonwealth Games 2010

!ncredible !ndia welcomes you!

Light at the End of Tunnel

Genre: Travel

I get into an elevator that takes me to a huge concourse below. I get my token and swipe it against the sensor. The gate opens and allows me in. I take the escalator further down. Once there, within a minute, a four-coach train quietly enters from one of the tunnels and comes to a smooth halt. The automatic glass doors open and I enter the air-conditioned coach. Within half a minute, the doors close and we speed off into the darkness of the tunnel.

Seems straight from a sci-fi Hollywood movie? It is not. Welcome to Delhi Metro!

Clean, convenient, cheap, classy- just some of the adjectives that can describe this modern day wonder that has totally changed the way Delhi travels. And how! Ask any old-time Delhi-ite how much time, money and effort would it take a tourist new to the city to go from Akshardham near Indraprastha to Chandni Chowk at the other end of the city in the evening hours and he would be flooded with images of rickshaw-drivers trying to fish out exorbitant fares, shabby Blueline buses prowling across the streets like roadside monsters, red-light wielding neta-log holding the traffic to ransom at will, bumper-to-bumper traffic spewing out noxious fumes and finally he would just suggest that the tourist gives up this plan and go somewhere else. But not anymore. This is what I did- board the Metro from Indraprastha, cruise over Pragati Maidan on the elevated tracks, alight at Rajiv Chowk underground, take the connecting service headed to Vishwavidyalaya from another Metro line running right below the earlier one and intersecting it, alight at Chandni Chowk station, take the escalator up and bingo! I was right in the middle of the bustling bazaar in 20 minutes flat! That too in air-conditioned comfort for a meagre Rs 17!

Delhi Metro has not only made travelling easier but also brought about a paradigm shift in the general behaviour of the travelling junta. At Rajiv Chowk (which is nothing but the famous Connaught Place renamed to satisfy some political bigwigs) station, I found dozens of passengers standing calmly in queues in front of markings on the platform showing the location of every door of every coach of the Metro train, waiting for their turn to board after the alighting passengers have made their way out. A bigger pleasant shock awaited at Chandni Chowk where no less than five hundred office-goers were waiting in a single serpentine queue extending from the underground concourse, up the stairs, right upto road level, for their turn to swipe their Smart Cards and enter the Metro. No line-breaking, no shouting, no nagging!

These scenes brought out an interesting question- can this happen in Mumbai? And my answer is- Highly unlikely! There are reasons why I feel so-

Firstly the amount of crowds that Mumbai Metro will have to deal with (the day it comes into existence) is far more and densely concentrated compared to Delhi. While Delhi is spread out in all directions and as a result the population is spread out, Mumbai is a narrow strip of land with all businesses tucked away down south. As a result, almost the entire traffic will be jostling on the all-important north-south corridor virtually choking up Churchgate and CST Metro stations, if ever they are made that is. Also worth noting is the fact that Mumbai is a city that never sleeps. So while at Chawri Bazar, I found my Metro train stopping with not a single passenger alighting and boarding at 9:45pm, I do not see this happening at ANY Mumbai Metro station at any time of the day!

The second (probably amusing to outsiders) reason that may be detrimental to Mumbai Metro emulating the Delhi model is the fact that Mumbaikars are born restless. They are used to jumping into trains even before it can stop, grabbing seats in seconds and jumping off the locals at their destinations the moment the train enters the platform. In fact, I myself got frustrated on my first Metro journey when the train came to a halt at New Delhi Metro station and for five seconds the doors did not open, even wondering "Why is the bloody door not opening?" only to realise that this is the norm on the Metro!

A third, and possibly trivial reason why Mumbai Metro may never reach the standards set by Delhi Metro is the fact that while Delhi Metro runs on state-of-the-art trains from Bombardier, Germany, Mumbai Metro is to run with cheap Made in China coaches. The notoriety of both- Chinese products and Reliance makes me skeptical, though I would love to see Ambanibhai proving me wrong!

It is said that strict policing on Delhi Metro has brought about this remarkable change in passenger behaviour there. I so much hope the same happens in Mumbai too, though it seems too much to ask for. But there is hope. I am banking on only one factor- If junglee Delhi can do it, why can't my Mumbai?
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PS: The photos (from Top to Bottom) show 1) Underground concourse of New Delhi Metro Station, 2) A Metro train going towards Central Secretariat on the 'Red Line' enters New Delhi, 3) Interiors of a Delhi Metro train running from Indraprastha to Dwarka on the 'Blue Line', 4) A 'Yellow Line' train speeds off from Chandni Chowk station.