Monday, January 7, 2008

Big Monkey!

An Indian reporter's interview with Andrew Symonds:

Reporter: Sir, are you satisfied with your performance today?
Symonds: You are racially abusing me.

Reporter: How was the pitch like? Could you manage batting on it?
Symonds: You are racially abusing me.

Reporter: Ok, what about the Indian bowling? Did any bowlers make things difficult for you?
Symonds: You are racially abusing me.

Reporter: And what about the crowd support? Did that help?
Symonds: You are racially abusing me.

Reporter: What is your gameplan for the next match?
Symonds: You are racially abusing me.

Reporter: Lets hope you continue your current form throughout the series.
Symonds: You are racially abusing me.

Reporter (irritated): Kya paka raha hai saala bandar...
Symonds: Thank You very much!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

The Year That Was...

Presenting a list of some of the most happening events of the year 2007-

STAR OF THE YEAR

Our Badshah of Bollywood Shahrukh Khan! He was all over the place all year round right from coaching the hockey team on-screen in Chak De India to cheering the cricket team off-screen at the Twenty20 World Cup (alongwith publicising his movies); from taking Big B's place in KBC3 to ending the year with Om Shanti Om which made 'six-pack abs' the most discussed word of the year, this is one guy who never remained out of the limelight for even a single moment throughout the year.

EVENT OF THE YEAR

The Twenty20 World Cup. Indian team, for the first time playing sans the Big Three, entered as the underdogs, played like lions, defeated all the heavyweights, fooled Pakis with a bowl-out, defeated the overconfident Aussies, set up a dream India-Pak final and finally went on to win the trophy under the leadership of Dhoni (and a little help from Misbah). And yes, somewhere in between, Yuvraj plundered six sixes off an over emerging as a national superhero. And for once a team used to escaping from back doors of our airports was given a hero's welcome where entire Mumbai took a day off and went hysterical. The new India had truly arrived!

HEADACHE OF THE YEAR

There is absolutely no competition here- Rakhi Sawant emerges as the clear winner. She missed no opportunity to hog the limelight (for all the wrong reasons most of the times) and our headless Hindi News Channels gave her all the opportunity that she wanted to shout, crib, cry and wail on national television, eventually making a fool of herself! Be it anything from Sunita "Indian" Williams' space flight to Nach Baliye, she wanted to cry out aloud and give her opinion on every topic under the sun. Ofcourse nobody gave a damn to it, but that's is a different matter altogether.

THEME OF THE YEAR

"Chak De India". What started as just another movie went on to inspire Indians, generate some half-hearted interest in hockey which died down as quickly as it rose; but what remained was the title phrase and ironical as it may sound, the title song written to promote hockey percolated soon to cricket grounds and almost became the national sports anthem with it being played a million times during every match that India played. The heights were reached when Congress party tried to win Gujarat elections with "Chak De Gujarat" as its theme and fell flat on its head.

COMEBACK OF THE YEAR

Narendra Damodardas Modi- love him or hate him, you just cant ignore him. This man overcame all negative publicity that pages and pages of Times of India and hours of Aaj Tak had published against him and in this day of uncertainities came to power in Gujarat with a sweeping victory for the third consequtive time. Truly a case of victory of good (work) over evil (propoganda). And Sonia is still looking for the the person who scripted her "Merchant of Death" speech which proved suicidal.

FACE OF THE YEAR

Yes, you guessed it right- Deepika Padukone. The damsel had first Dhoni and then Yuvraj go drooling over her and her attendance at the matches ensured tremendous entertainment for the crowds who went hysterical everytime her face was shown on the giant screens followed by Dhoni going red blushing! When they said Twenty20 is entertaining, they certainly had not expected it to be this big! Oh yeah, she also sparkled on screen as the lovable Shantipriya in Om Shanti Om and shot to overnight fame. And as for the Deepika-Dhoni-Yuvraj triangle, well the girdlock still remains and the winner may come out only in the new year but in the meantime, the crowds are loving it!

HYPE OF THE YEAR

New futuristic design by internationally famed NID Ahmedabad, electronics from Germany, wheels from Romania, the authorities went all out to design new local trains for Mumbai but they forgot to take into consideration one small fact- the Mumbai crowd! So after months of reports filling the newspapers about Mumbai's lifeline getting a much needed 157 new state-of-the-art local trains what we have by the end of the year are a grand total of 3 new trains and that too after just one month of induction boast of pan stains all over the exterior, torn off stickers and seat cushions and graffiti on the interiors. Seems like Mumbai doesnt want to move beyond the brown metal boxes that run from the past 30 years carrying generations of Mumbaikars to work and back.

More events, if any, will be added later.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!

Saturday, September 29, 2007

SuperPower Twenty20

Genre: Current Affairs

Once upon a time, in a small town, Chintu, Pintu, Monty, Pappu set out of their houses into the neighbourhood gully wielding a rubber ball and an old wooden bat. Immediately they set up a makeshift stump, the fielders positioned themselves in the nooks and began a game where there was only one rule- hit every ball with as much force as you can (and in the process break a couple of window panes). Soon Pinky and Priya joined in. They would erupt in joy every time a ball went out of sight and express it with a little jig. Ramlal, Raju and Rohitkaka, back from work, also stopped by to watch the game for half an hour or so. Everyone got a chance to show their hitting powers and when that was done, the game was packed up in a couple of hours. This was the daily routine. Then, one day they decided to give it a name, give it international fame... yes, you guessed it right- welcome to the world of Twenty20!

It was the dull period after India's unceremonious exit from the ICC World Cup 2007 when the ICC Twenty20 World Championships was announced and within no time it was discarded by 'experts' back home here as "Underwear Cricket" and was called "2-minute noodle cricket" by a certain female more known for her noodle-straps than her cricketing knowledge. The Big Three of the Indian team- Tendlya, Ganguly and Dravid famously backed out of the tournament dismissing it as "child's play". Before the commecnement of the tournament, Aussie Pointing pointed that the teams from Asian subcontinent would miserably fail due to inexperience in this kind of the game.

But all this was BEFORE the start of the tournament. The moment the tournament actually started, everything changed completely. Crowds thronged the stadiums by the thousands to watch the "child's play", and why not? It had everything that you would want to make your evening- convinient evening time matches, live DJ and music all around, dancing cheerleaders, food, fun and ofcourse high quality cricket. With only 20 overs at their dispersal to showcase their talent, every single player of every team always gave his 100%, a single moment of carelessness can prove fatal when you have only 80 minutes to make or break your day. By the time the tournament was into its second week, the verdict was out and clear- the 2-minute noodle format of cricket is a big hit! The crowds love it, the players love it and the TV audience love it!

As for the teams from the subcontinent, Sri Lanka made the highest ever Twenty20 International score, so-called minnows Bangladesh showed West Indies the way out, India-Pakistan match ended in a tie requiring a thrilling bowl-out to decide the winners, and then came the unthinkable- India's Yuvraj Singh hit England's Stuart Broad for six sixes in an over, and also made the fastest half century in any form of cricket!! And this was just the begining. By the time the Super8 stage matches started, the interest in this tournament had snowballed into madness, the craze was increasing by the minute and as for the Asian teams were concerned, Pakistan thrashed 'World Champion' Australia and the final nail in their coffin was the famous win by India eliminating the kangaroos from the tournament that they were once proudly claiming to win. Pointing had no option but to chew his words.

It was not over yet. The ultimate crown in the tournament was the Dream Final that any cricketer and his every fan can think of- India v/s Pakistan! Though for some strange reason, the Final was kept on a Monday but that hardly mattered. Those three hours, everything stood still, everybody remained glued to their Idiot Boxes like never before. And it was, it really was a Dream Final in every sense of the word. After all who would be able to forget that last hit by Misbah-ul-Haq and the catch by Sreesanth that gave India the most prized trophy- the Twenty20 World Cup! The frenzied celebration that began at The Wanderers culminated with a grand reception for the Boys In Blue at Wankhede back in Mumbai. And by now one thing was clear- the new India had arrived on the world stage- an India that is not afraid to take on the big guns, an India that is not shy to express its feelings openly, an India that is hungry for success and an India that is raring to go and conquer the world!


Saturday, July 21, 2007

The Mumbaiya Guide to Harry Potter

Sorry my non-Hindi understanding readers. I HAD to write this one in Hindi. It would have been no fun in English.

Aajkal jidhar dekho udhar Harry Potter ka hi naam hai. Samajh me nai aa rahela hai ki yeh much-much kayka hai aur ye Harrybhai hai kaun? Tension nai leneka. Apun bataega.

Harry Potter- Apun ki story ka hero. Iska mummy-daddy jab ye chhota tha tab off ho gayele the. Tab se ye banda Dursleys naam ke shot logo ke saath rehta hai. Aur vo solid jaadugar hai, ekdum jhakaas jaadoo-tona karta hai!

Ron Weasly- Harrybhai ka best friend, lekin saala bahut fattu hai. Uske bapu ka chocolate-biscuit bananeka dhandha hai. Ye, uske 2 bade brother log aur chhoti sister sabke sab jaadugar hai.

Hermoinie Granger- Apun ki story ki heroine. Sab jaadugar bachcha log me sabse scholar. Usko kuch bhi poochneka, sabkuch jaanti hai. Ronbhai is item pe kabhi kabhi line maarta hai lekin abhi tak kuch huela nai hai.

LordVoldemort- Story ka main villain. Sab log aisa bolte hai ki isne Harry ke mummy-pappa ko tapka dalela tha. Vo encounter me Harry ke sir pe ek nishaan pad gayela tha. Aur ye banda ekdum hatke hai- bole to kabhi zinda rehta hai to kabhi marela! Jab bhi ye zinda hota hai tab Harry ko sir ke nishaan me shot lagta hai. Sahi hai!

Melfoy- Bade baap ki bigdi aulaad. Khud ko bahut shaana samajta hai. Uska Harry ke saath 36 ka aankda hai.

Hogwarts- Jaadu-tona seekhne ka school jidhar sab bhari bhari jaadugar log aate hai. Idhar me koi bhi aandu-pandu ko admission nai milta. Khali vo log jinko inka letter milta hai vohi bande idharme jaate hai. Ye school pahuchne ka ek hi raasta hai- vo VT station jaisa bada station se 9 3/4 number ke platform se fast train pakadneka.

Dumbledore- Hogwarts school ka principal. Ekdum buddha aadmi hai lekin usme dum solid hai. Log bolte hai ki vo duniya ka sabse bhaari jaadugar hai.

Azkaban- Jaadugar logo ka lock-up. Jo jaadugar jyada shaanpatti kiya unko ye lockup me andar kar daalte hai. Aur ek baar andar gaya matlab gaya. Saala udhar se bhaagke nikalna mushkil hi nahi, namumkin hai.

Dementors- Azkaban ke jail ke pandu log. Unse panga liya to apunka sab mood off kar daalte hai. Ekdum danger log.

Hagrid- Ekdum body builder type ka aadmi lekin dil ka bahut achcha hai. Hogwarts ki school ka watchman hai ye. Bachcha log ko hamesha help karta hai.

Quidditch- Apna Cricket aur football ko mix karke banaela game. Sab player log jhaadu pe baithke udtaa hai aur ek apne aap udnewala ball ko pakadne ka try karta hai. Ye Jaadugar log ka timepass hai.

Cho Chang- Chinese item. Harry pe line maarti hai aur ek baar to chance maarke usko kiss-viss bhi kar daala. Bahut daring wali hai! Lekin Harry ko saali mamu banaake gayi last me.

Muggles- Aisa public log jinko jaadu tona karneko nahi aata. Bole to apun jaisa log. Aisa logo ko Hogwarts me entry nahi milta.

Sab samajh gaya na? To abhi jaaneka aur picture dekhneka. Aur vo book saala English me likhela hai. Agar English aata hai to bhailog vo book bhi padh daalne ka!

Monday, May 21, 2007

GoldRush In Mumbai

Genre: Current Affairs

Ssshh... this is a well guarded secret and should not be revealed. The BMC (Bombay Municipal Corporation) has probably found out that there is hundreds of tonnes of Gold buried below Mumbai's roads. And they are not going to let this jackpot go waste. See....












Ok you dont believe me? Then tell me what else can explain the logic of BMC of carrying out such a massive excavation drive all over Mumbai city with monsoon just a fortnight away?

Mumbai.. Be Afraid.. Be Very Afraid.. The BMC has set up a Survival Challenge for you! Dare to step out this monsoon and survive these monsters! Good Luck!
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