Un-commonwealth Games

Genre: India

I have been told there is something called Commonwealth Games that will start in New Delhi in 80 days from now and will bring hundreds of foreign athletes. But considering general lack of interest among Indians in any game that is not cricket, and the incomplete infrastructure at the "Games Village", I think it would be better off if the Indian Government shifts the event out into the streets of Delhi and instead of the usually boring events, add some variety to it by featuring some uncommon events like these-

1. Yamuna Survival Race

Instead of swimming up and down in crystal clear waters of swimming pools, participants will be given the more challenging task of swimming in the dark thick mucky water-like liquid that flows in Yamuna, their path blocked by hundreds of strategically placed floating plastic bags, bottles and bathing buffalos. This will drain out (no pun intended) the participants and will attract huge crowds.

2. Rapist Run

This will be a women-only event where the participants will have to smartly dodge several men out to grope them on roads and possibly rape them in cars. Hundreds of experienced volunteers from GRAD (Gropers & Rapists Association of Delhi) have expressed interest in providing their service for this event. "I have groped and passed lewd comments at more than 500 women so far in parks and roads of Central Delhi during my career and I am excited about the service we can provide during the Games", said Pappu Sharma, GRAD chairaman.

3. New Delhi station Obstacle Course

In this event, participants will be brought to New Delhi railway station with instructions to board particular trains, and the controllers will shift the arrival of the train from, say, Platform No. 3 to Platform No. 16 just two minutes prior to arrival, thereby challenging the participants to make their way through the stampede of thousands of passengers, strewn luggage and narrow bridges to make it to the right platform in time. An insider said, this event will be made more challenging by not announcing the coach position of arriving trains or displaying random coach positions to make the run even more difficult for the participants. Jaspal Singh, controller at New Delhi 'B' cabin gushed, "We have been doing this on a daily basis since years now, you know it gives an adrenaline rush, now I am glad we have been asked to do the same for the Games!"

4. BMW presents Dodge Me If You Can

This event will involve participants dodging their way, saving their life across streets of Greater Kailash as a bunch of drunk sons of rich influential businessmen prowl in their BMWs to run them over. This event has brought a lot of excitement among GK-2 residents, evident in the voice of Raj Malhotra who gushed, "I have my BMW M6 Coupe ready and raring to go! I can't wait to hit the streets and try running over a few hapless participants! I have already challenged Bunty that I can mow down more pedestrians than his X3! Yo man! It's gonna be fun!"

5. Shoot Red Beacons

This is probably the most interesting event and will be held on Rajpath and Janpath. Similar to clay shooting, this will comprise of participants standing at vantage points between India Gate and Rashtrpati Bhawan ready to shoot as many red beacon lights as possible installed atop the passing Ambassadors and other VIP cars. It is estimated that every participant will get around 78 targets to shoot considering the number of red-beacon VIP cars seen in this area on any given day. "Getting crowd to see this event will not be a problem", explained a mamber of Games organing committee, "because anyways whenever any VIP cars are passing, we stop all traffic on all sides for 30 minutes or more, resulting is massive traffic jams. I am sure we will provide wholesome entertainment to the common citizens of Delhi by this event."

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Note from the writer-

Do not worry. Nothing of this sort will happen.

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