Bill pe Bill

Genre: Humor

Now that the government has agreed to include the recommendations of Anna Hazare in the proposed Lok Pal Bill, several other prominent personalities from the civil and not-so-civil Indian society have decided that they will also come up with their own versions of the Lok Pal bill to present to the government for consideration.

Arindam Chaudhury will present the IIPMPal Bill. Dare to think beyond Lokpal. Everyone enrolling to support his version of the draft will get free laptops and a study tour to Europe. 

Rahul Dravid will start writing his draft of the Lokpal bill and will continue non-stop for five days. 

Chetan Bhagat will publish his version as a book. Three Mistakes Of Lokpal: What Not To Do In Government

Ram Gopal Varma will present a sequel. Lok Pal Ki Aag.

Aamir Khan will release only one chapter of his Lok Pal Bill per year.

Lalit Modi will start a Lokpal Premier League (LPL)

Ekta Kapoor will script a version that will run for seven years and will be called Kkok Pal Bill

When Rakhi Sawant was asked if she will also contribute, she said "Yeh Lokpal hain na, mereko usse shaadi karneka hai. Mereko na usse ekdum love ho gayela hai" 

Although not an Indian citizen, Steve Jobs will be allowed as an honorary guest to launch his version called iPal Bill. After six months he will launch a faster, slimmer version called iPal2. 

Rajinikanth will not present any bill. He himself will be the Lokpal and the entire committee.

The India Flight Checklist

Genre: Travel

The next time you take a flight to India from any airport in the United States, or vice versa, take this checklist along and cross out each event as it happens. If you happen to cross out everything, be rest assured your flight was normal.

[ ] A perfectly healthy senior citizen walks up to the airport check-in counter and asks for "free" wheelchair assistance.

[ ] A queue of 100+ passengers forms at the gate long before boarding is to begin

[ ] "Pre-boarding for passengers with small kids" is announced and passengers with 15 year old kids queue up to board

[ ] "Boarding Rows 31 and above" is announced and a passenger with seat in row under 30 walks up to gate, only to be sent back

[ ] Atleast one passenger approaches to request 'seat adjustment'

[ ] A Smart Alec reclines his/her seat after Flight Attendants have checked everyone's seats to be upright for takeoff preparation

[ ] A cellphone rings minutes after captain has announced "Turn off all electronic devices"

[ ] A passenger stands up and/or walks in the aisle after the plane has started taxiing towards the runway.

[ ] Queue forms outside restrooms, in spite of "Restroom Occupied" signs illuminated and visible.

[ ] A passenger takes out a bag of thepla when dinner is served

[ ] More than half of the total number of meals loaded onboard are labelled AVML (Asian Vegetarian Meal)

[ ] A passenger asks for two servings of alcohol. At once.

[ ] The moment the plane touches down, 100 people stand up from their seats and choke the aisles, and stare blankly.

[ ] A passenger runs and/or pushes fellow passengers on the way to board the bus to the terminal

Yes we are Indians. We are like that only.

The Unforgettable Moment

Genre: Sports

A million articles would be written about India's victory in the 2011 Cricket World Cup, so why am I writing one more? Because, since several years, I have been told stories by my parents and uncles about how the country celebrated when India won the World Cup in 1983, in the era of 60 over cricket and transistor radio commentary. So, now it is my turn to archive memories of this glorious occasion to narrate to my kids twenty years down the line.

The year is 2011. Twenty20 and IPL have begun to dominate the Indian cricket scene. Some people have started calling traditional 50 over ODIs "boring" and "outdated". Enter World Cup 2011, being hosted mainly on Indian soil, with Sri Lanka anfd Bangladesh sharing some matches. That one chance for 50 over cricket to regain its lost popularity. It did, and how! Instead of after-office T20 tamasha, once again the cricket crazy Indians around the world began to spend entire days watching matches, even if it meant bunking college, taking off from office, or waking up at unearthly hours if they are in other timezones, like I did. In spite of being 15,000 km away from the actual action, it has been a memorable World Cup experience. 

Two days before the start of World Cup, someone mooted the idea of screening World Cup games on campus. Since Star Cricket does not telecast matches in USA, the only legal option was to purchase a subscription of Willow TV. Students were asked to contribute $2 each, and who would have thought that time that these were going to be the best $2 we ever spent. And so the stage was set. Thanks to timezone differences, all India matches, scheduled as day-night encounters, started at 4am local time here. Logistics were worked out, the car-owning students driving remaining fans to campus in the dead of the night, Virginia Tech graciously allowing us the use of TV room at the International Center, and we were set.

The first match against Bangladesh saw a small but enthusiastic crowd, complete with Indian flag, vuvuzelas et al. The next match against England was worth every minute spent, ending in a nail biting tie. Every Indian boundary and opposition wicket were cheered, while boundaries by opposition resulted in reaction that is, to put it subtly, not suitable for family audience. And this became the usual story for every game that India played. That is, until the Semi-finals.

Then came the big one. India vs Pakistan. World Cup Semi-final. Stuff every cricket fan's dreams are made of. Obviously the TV room was not going to be enough for this occasion. So we upgraded to bigger arena. Now it was time to watch on big screen. And it was a weekday. So, classes were bunked (a rare occurence for engineering grad students in a US university), labs were rescheduled, assignements were completed way before deadline, and eight hours on  Wednesday, March 30, 2011 were spent in an extreme display of patriotism, furiously cheering every Indian run, and meeting every Pakistani boundary with choicest display of colorful language in the form of the popular chant that goes "Mohali mein aaya bhoot, Pakistan ki...(complete with rhyming profanity)" and not to forget the all time favorite- "Gali gali mein shor hai, Pakistan chor hai!". And at the end of it, when India won, it was celebration like never seen before. I was seeing so many grad students so happy  for the first time in my two years here! It was a dream come true. Indian cricket fans attaining nirvana. Nothing could be bigger than this. But wait, there is more!

Come Saturday, April 2, 2011. The Final. India vs Sri Lanka. Waking up at 3.45am, watching Sangakarra make a mockery of the toss bordering on blatant cheating, almost giving up hope before start of game when Dhoni announced Sreesanth is in team instead of Ashwin, heading to the auditorium of the local church on campus in freezing cold, cracking customary Rajinikanth jokes on seeing him in the stadium, watching Jayawardene bat like a hero hell bent on stealing a victory for Lanka, the church people giving a pleasant surprise by graciously offering free breakfast for the hungry crazy students, Malinga getting Sehwag out with scoreboard reading 0/1, The God getting out early with score looking even more ominous at 31/2, Gambhir and Kohli playing a slow sensible inning to stabilize the chase, getting into the typical Wankhede atmosphere with chants of "Sachin Sachin " and "Ganpati Bappa Morya", watching captain Dhoni himself hit that final six into the stands to end it all in the best possible way and breaking out into insane celebration, it has been a truly epic day.

All these sleepless nights over the past six weeks, listening to Ravi Shastri who goes on and one like a tracer bullet with his torture-on-ears commentary, which included gems like "This stand is veru sunny right now, that's why it has been named Sunny Gavaskar Stand", feeling like pulling hair every time Sanjay Manjrekar said "Tainduulkar", bearing Willow TV's heights-of-cliche advertising, from "gujaratimatrimony.com for NRI Gujaratis like us" to "G1G Insurance for parents visiting USA" to powerpoint-slide ads of estate agents and software consultancies, screaming "Jeetega bhai jeetega, India jeetega!" thousands of times until throat went totally hoarse, all of it seemed totally worth it for that one scene- Indian team carrying The God aka Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar around Wankhede for a victory lap. Absolute speechless moment.

I have never been that crazy a sports lover that I get emotional over wins and losses, but the sight today, of Sachin running into the field, later draped in an Indian flag made me teary eyed, further pushed by Virat Kohli's soon-to-become-immemorial lines "For twenty one years this man has carried a nation's burden, the least we can do tonight is carry him on our shoulders". 

Dhoni lifting the World Cup trophy and the celebration that followed has been an occasion that has overwhelmed my emotions, so much so that for hours after the match I was in a state of clueless limbo as to what exactly happened and why am I grinning for no reason. Of course adding to the fun was the fact that it is the day of International Street Fair on Virginia Tech campus, and after the match, around a hundred Indian students march into the venue, screaming, shouting carrying Indian flags and Dhobighaat Blues, our local band, dedicating songs to the Indian team resulting in massive cheers from the Indian crowd, leaving everyone else at the venue flabbergasted! The day has long come to an end, but the celebrations have not. 

It will take some time for the feeling to sink in, but the fact remains - 

INDIA. WORLD CHAMPIONS. 2011. \m/

First Encounter of the Cop Kind

Genre: Random

This post is predominantly in Hindi because English translation would kill the effect.

Three days into the new year, its time for our first of the usual evening-timepass-at-railway-station sessions of the year. I head out, with a friend on vacation from Australia, to a small station just outside Mumbai. Half an hour into the talks, the Delhi bound Rajdhani Express blasts past at full speed, and having my camera, I just point it in its direction for a quick photo. Few minutes later, a police constable approaches.

Cop: Yeh tum log yahaan kya kar rahe ho?

Me: Kuch nahi. Timepass. Mera yeh dost bahar se aaya hai toh usko ghumaane laaya hoon.

Cop: Tumne Rajdhani ka photo liya? Humne camera me dekha. Kyun liya?

(I wonder- WTH! When did they put CCTVs here!)

Me and Friend: Aise hi. Yaadein. 

Cop: Police station chalna padega. Sahab ko baat karna hai aapse.

And so we start the long walk with the cop to a tiny police chowki just outside the station platforms. The constable asks us to sit inside a small room and wait for the "sahab" to return. After ten minutes, I see a typical government style safari suit clad man walk in, he has yet not seen my Australian NRI friend. He is talking outside the room we are sitting in.

Safari Suit Man (SS): Kaun hai voh log?

Cop: Foreigner hai

SS (in an excited loud voice): FOREIGNER hai?!? Kya baat hai!

Safari Suit enters, looks at my 6 foot tall, well built friend and mellows down.

SS (in stern tone): Haan, toh tum logo ne Rajdhani ka photo liya. Kyun liya? 

Friend: Sahab, main NRI hoon. Australia se aaya hoon. Udhar ke log hamesha India ko gaali maarte hai, bolte hai India bahut ganda hai, undeveloped hai, toh maine socha India ki mast wali train ka photo leke unko dikhaunga India ka progress.

Hearing this, Safari Suit's eyes light up, big smile appears on his face.

SS: Kya?? Aisa bolte hai voh log? Vaise photo kidhar hai? Dikhao mujhe.

Me: Theek hai, sir, yeh hai voh photo. Main yeh ek photo delete kar deta hoon, aur bas matter khatam. 

SS: Nahi nahi, delete mat karo. Yeh photo jaake dikhao unko. Zaroor dikhao.

First shot, on the dot. Time to chane-ke-jhaad-pe-chadhao the Safari Suit saheb. So, we start-

Friend: Arre sahab, voh toh kuch nahi, udhar ka train system toh ekdum ganda hai. 20-30 minute me ek train aata hai aur kabhi bhi cancel ho jaata hai

SS: Voh log khud ko samajhte kya hai! Idhar dekho, 1000 train chalta hai ek din mein. Achcha ek cheez batao, udhar ke police kaise hai? Humne suna udhar bahut Indian log ko sab maar daalte hai

Friend: Arre sahab, udhar ka police apne comparison mein kuch nahi. Udhar koi bhi police ko sunaake jaata hai, idhar aap Mumbai police ko koi gaali diya toh aap sun loge kya?

SS (gets excited): Sawaal hi nahi! Idhar public mein hi usko maar padegi.

Now this is getting fun. I decide its time I join in too.

Me: Sahab, main America se abhi aaya hoon. Pata hai udhar ke log mereko poochte hai Mumbai me sirf jhopadpatti aur khet hote hai kya? Unko Slumdog Millionaire wala image hi dikhta hai.

SS: Slumdog Millionaire! Saala sab uska galti hai. China ka picture dekho, voh log kabhi China ka garibi nahi dikhate, sirf mast road aur airports batate hai. Hum log hi aisa ganda dikhate hai.

By now all other cops in the office have heard this conversation and join in one by one..

Cop2: Sir, aap yeh jo kar rahe ho barabar kar rahe ho. Un logo ko dikhana maangta India kya cheez hai!

Cop 3: Haan haan, udhar jaake apne vatan ko yaad rakha hai aapne, bahut achcha kiya.

The conversation continues for the next 30 minutes, with curious cops asking about everything from crime rates in Australia to relationship between Australia and New Zealand to the inevitable question I have encountered everywhere- "Achcha toh udhar America ya Australia me padhai ka scope kaisa hai? Mere bete ko bhejna hai mujhe!"

By now, we the "convicts" are completely in control of the situation and the entire police station is in awe of "foreign ki baatein". Taking this opportunity, we decide to cut it out. As we decide to leave, Safari Suit gives the farewell speech- "Sahab, aap aaram se ghumo, photos kheecho, meri taraf se sab permission hai. Koi tension nahi leneka"

One of the cop, looking at my Aussie friend all this time, finally breaks his silence- "Sir, kuch bhi bolo, aapka body mast hai.  Ekdum hero type!"

Of ABCDs and NRIs

Genre: Humor

A glance at my Facebook timeline or GTalk statuses of friends currently would give one an impression that the year is 2012 and the dreaded Apocalypse is nearing, what with countdowns of "X Days to go!" type all over the place; but worry not- this is just the annual migration season when thousands of Indian students from universities all over USA make a Swades trip. For the benefit of those who are making their first trip to India after coming to USA, here are some (not-so) useful tips on how to act like a seasoned NRI or ABCD as desired appropriate-

A week before heading home, go to Dollar Tree / Wal-Mart and pick up random cheap stuff like perfumes, Nivea cold creams and Toblerone chocolates to give to friends and relatives who will pretend to happily receive them as if they have never seen these items in India.

The moment you land at the airport, complain- "Oh man! It's so hot!", even if your flight arrives at 3am and the outside temperature is 15 degree C.

On the way home, exclaim "Oh My God! Why the hell is there a cow on the road!". Yes, do it even if you have seen hundred cows on the road before heading to USA.

Crib about the infrastructure- the airport is so messy, roads are so dirty, air is so polluted, anything.

Even if it is 30 degrees C, go out wearing a GAP sweatshirt (No, don't tell me you don't have one- ever since SRK sported it in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, every damn Indian worth his name living in USA owns GAP clothing :P)

When visiting relatives, act extremely melodramatic traditional. Even if you have never ever done it when you were in India earlier, greet all elders with namaste and touch their legs to get blessings (and money!)

Use random American words in conversation. When someone asks "chai thanda kuch loge?", say you will have "soda" or "decaf coffee".

Buy some stuff from your local kirana store (not supermarkets) and offer your credit card for payment. When denied, express surprise- "What! You don't accept credit cards? India is still so underdeveloped!"

Act excessively concerned about hygiene. When at a local udipi restaurant, ask if the cook is wearing hand gloves and hairnet and if the food has been prepared using mineral water.

Compare and praise American transport facilities with Indian counterparts. While on any road, point out "Look at all these potholes. In America, the highways are so smooth. Its so much fun driving at 75 miles/hour on I-95", knowing fully well that nobody else cares a damn or knows what is I-95.

Last and most important point- talk in a fake American accent, even when speaking Hindi.

* * * * *

PS: OK, everyone heading home this month- Aisa kuch mat karna. Aaram se ghar jaao, road pe pani puri khao, rickshaw me ghumo aur masti karke aao. Have a safe flight and enjoy holidays!

* * * * *

Mumbai Local 101

A (not-so) comprehensive guide to Mumbai local train travelling for newcomers.

Objective: At the end of the course you will have acquired the skills to ride and survive the Lifelines of Mumbai, or will flee away forever.

Pre-requisites: Common Sense (yes, a bit too much to ask for, but it is required)

Before the Journey.

Make sure you are mentally and physically prepared. Wearing an armored suit and helmet is recommended, but not necessary.

Buy a ticket. It is very easy. Each station has around ten ticket windows out of which seven are permanently closed, two will have “Lunch Break” at any given time of the day and the remaining one will have a short queue of approximately 158 people. Once you reach the counter, remember the staff is a big fan of Obama- they demand change. All the time. You can bypass this procedure by charging your way ahead of the queue and asking for Coupon booklet, the probability of availability of which is 0.0016 and if you get one, remember the Coupon Validating Machine is officially on the UNESCO list of endangered species. Alternately, you can be tech-savvy and buy the Smart Card and head to the corner where you see a person groping and pinching a touchscreen all over the place. This activity might give you some pleasure, but does not give a ticket.

Now that you have acquired a ticket, it is time to find your train. Locate an indicator board and search for train to your destination. There are not many options to get confused. You just need to know some letter codes- A, Ad, An, B, Ba, Bo, Bl, Bs, By, C, D, Di, G, K, Kp, M, N, S, St, T, Tl, V to name a few and remember that he train can be 9-car, 12-car or 15-car; Slow, Fast or Semi-Fast (occasionally Double Fast and no more Bada Fast) and that it can be on either Western, Central or Harbour (which is also Central but not quite Central) line. Once done, go to the appropriate platform. You will find several passengers striving hard to improve India’s medal tally at Olympics by practicing high-jump over fences between tracks and long jumps across open gutters. Resist the temptation to join the noble cause. Use the bridge. Look at the indicator boards on the platform. You will see names of several places lit up. Locate your destination. If it is lit up, your train will stop (if you are on Central line) or will not stop there (if you are on Western line). If nothing is lit up, it simply means rats ate up the wires.

Boarding the train.

Walk along the platform and smartly choose your position. If you are male, do not stop by near the large group of young women. There are better places in the city to flirt/chance maaro/ogle (discussion beyond the scope of this course). Also, do not stand in front of a pillar colored in funky red and yellow stripes. No, it is not a message from aliens nor location of an African dance party. Once the train is in sight, you can decide to don one of the following three roles-

1. Super Man: Hold your belongings close to your chest and jump right in before the train stops. It requires accurate calculation of velocity and your trajectory needs to be at an angle of tan-1 (0.1032) w.r.t the direction of motion of the train, failing to achieve so can result in you banging against a window instead of a door.

2. Mango Man: Like the aam aadmi of India, stay passive. Do not do anything. The crowd around you will drag you inside. Simple and easy. Remember to wriggle yourself out of the wave at the right time, lest you end up inside one of the reserved corners of daily gangs.

3. Fattu Man: Stay at the back of the platform. Watch the entire crowd make their way in. Watch the train depart without you. Repeat.

Inside the Train

If you tried strategy #1 to board, there is a 2.95% probability that you will manage to catch a seat. If so, yes it is an event worthy of updating your Facebook and Twitter status proclaiming the same. If ten people gather around you asking you to vacate the seat, do it. Resistance is futile, unless you want to experience being lifted, passed over several people and thrown out of the coach. If you have to stand, find a place that falls in the area of operation of the fan, which extends upto 2 inches from its perimeter. But this does not mean you stand in the middle of the door passage. Doing so will give you a first hand experience of how electrons and protons feel inside the Large Hadron Collider. If you are in the middle of a densely packed crowd and see a food item such or sweets passed to you, eat it. Consider it “Bonus level”. Do not doubt its origin or intention. They’ll find your lack of faith disturbing and appropriate action will be taken. If you are a keen observer, you will notice several men moving back and forth in suspicious patterns. No, they are not doing what you think. A majority of the crowd is straight.

There are protocols you need to strictly follow. If you are in a general second class compartment, if there are 3 passengers on a seat, you can make hand gesture along with use of the phrase “Boss, thoda…” and claim access to 3 inches worth of seat to rest your (half a) posterior on. However, doing the same in First Class will result in expulsion. If you are in the Ladies coach (No! If you are male, you cannot be in the Ladies coach) you have to verbally “reserve” a seat for yourself by asking every sitting passenger which station she is getting off and laying claim to that seat. Grabbing a seat reserved by others will result in an unacceptable level of noise pollution. Number of people allowed to stand at the door is fixed at 4 for First Class, 5 for second class, 6 and more for Virar locals in peak hours. Number of people allowed to sit on the long seat at the end of the coaches is fixed at 7 for non-peak hours, 8 for peak-hours, 9 and more for office hours when atleast 54% of the occupants are known to each other. These figures have been arrived at after years or optimization and are not variable.

Alighting from the Train

Like boarding, for alighting too you can choose to don one of the three roles, but with different outcomes. If you decide to use the Super Man approach and push your way through the crowd, you will be allowed to go ahead without warning until you reach the open door and eject yourself out even before the train has reached a platform. This can be done only once per lifetime. If you decide to be the Fattu Man and stay put in your place for too long, Newton’s First Law applies and you will find yourself inside the train until it reaches the yard at midnight. The Mango Man approach has the maximum probability of safe ejection. The wave will push you out, provided you start at the correct location. To avoid the catastrophe that the entire wave of crowd gets off but you do not move at all because you were in the wrong wave, always ask the row ahead of you “Bhaisahab, Dadar?” if you want to get off at Dadar.

Additional Info

Several finer points and a list of FAQs will be provided fr this course at a later date.

Appendix - Pain in the ass

If this course was too difficult to understand and you wish to have a less complicated solution, you need to be a movie star in which case a part of the coach will be vacated; or the heir to the Royal Family of India in which case you will be allowed to travel in First Class on Second Class ticket and train diverted to platform of your choice. For others, Bon Voyage!

Open Letter to Barack Obama

Genre: Current Affairs

Dear Obama,

It gives me great pleasure to know you will be visiting my hometown Mumbai, India with your family next week, your trip coinciding with Diwali. Your timing of the trip could not be any better. For Indians, Diwali is a time for celebration and I know you are no stranger to this fact, after all you delivered a flawless telemprompter-assisted speech this day last year explaining the same to Americans. It is a day when Indian families visit friends, go shopping and burst firecrackers. However, this year thanks to you, this will not be possible since roads across the city will be blocked for hours and public places cordoned off for your humble caravan consisting of only 78 cars to pass. Breaking away from the monotony, common citizens will get an opportunity to spend their Diwali day in their cars, waiting in traffic. I am also told you will be arriving by Air Force One along with a total of forty planes. The citizens of Mumbai, confused whether you are arriving on a presidential visit or leading a full-fledged air invasion, will thank you from the bottom of their hearts for shutting down Chhatrapati Shivaji Airport for two hours, delaying around fifty flights, giving them a priceless opportunity to see this spectacular sight.

I am sure you must have read The New York Times and other US newspapers criticizing a certain man called Mukesh Ambani for building a $1 billion 27-floor house for his family of five in Mumbai. I am glad to know that you, instead of getting discouraged by such criticism, have decided to go one step ahead and book all 570 rooms in the Taj Mahal hotel in Mumbai for your family of four. I, and hundreds of other graduate students studying in universities across your country have had their research assistantships and funding curtailed, having been told by the university that the country is going through an economic crisis and it is time to be frugal and save every dollar possible. However, it feels great to know you will not be following this policy and will be taking every effort on your trip to showcase the power and wealth of the United States.

I have come to know from your official sources that you would not be visiting the Golden Temple in Amritsar because you believe it would project you as a Muslim, although you are not one, and malign your reputation. However, I see your wife will be visiting Kamathipura. Going by your logic, this would project her as a prostitute, although she is not one. I guess you are fine with that.

Thank you once again for your humble low-key visit.

God Bless America!

Oh Yaaro, Yeh India Bula Liya!

Genre: India

Amidst much fanfare, the Commonwealth Games 2010 begin today in Delhi with a spectacular Opening Ceremony, and being halfway across the globe from India, technology came in the way of me seeing it live, what with the IP address based blackouts imposed by live streaming sites in USA. On the other hand, technology came handy in another form to keep me entertained and informed about the event. Yes, Twitter to the rescue! If you missed the live show like me, or just want to re-live the experience, here are some extremely creative, witty, humorous, silly updates I enjoyed on Twitter-

Note: Please scroll down to the end of this post and start reading the tweets bottom-up to be in the right chronological order.

BDUTT: History turns full circle. Gandhi and the dandi march to the strains of a beautiful tears-inducing Vaishnava Janato, as Charles looks on!

sunainak: We have so many Shakiras at our opening ceremony

sairamiyer: More ppl on the #CWG train than total population of St Kitts & Nevis, Nauru, Lesotho, Turk & Caicos & The Gambia

shanx13: Man that neon humanoid is super cool! #CWG opening is beyond my wildest expectations! #awesome

gkhamba: OH MY GOD! They recreated samay from Mahabharata

DelhiDean: #CWG opening is the most honest depiction of India I've seen. Brilliant choreography of its chaos and energy.

gkhamba: Disappointed that Shilpa Shetty's Yoga video isn't playing on the aerostat

gkhamba: Yoga is starting. Baba Ramdev will now boost athletes performance, heal dengue and cure white people of homosexuality

gkhamba: Raas Leela between Krishna and the Gopis. No Rahul Mahajan in sight

sunainak: If I didn't know this was the CWG Opening Ceremony, I'd wonder why we're celebrating Republic Day earlier this year.

twilightfairy: Yes #CWG2010, army ke bina tumhara kuch nahi ho sakta thaa. Army band playing on. Feels like school days again

gkhamba: "Let the Gems begin". This Pratibha Patil speech was brought to you by Cadbury's

shanx13: Abdul Kalam Azad!!! Kalmadi you idiot... Can someone tie him to the afterburner of a MiG 21 please? #fail

flyyoufools: First time I've heard Pratibha speak.

diogeneb: Charles:"Abeyaar, baton kahan gaya?" Kalmadi:"Oye, abhi to Diana"

gkhamba: Pratibha Patil can now star on NBC's Outsourced

gkhamba: So wait, the baton had to travel from Buckingham to 71 countries just so we could give it back to Charles? B%$#C$## apne saath khud le aata

gkhamba: Why aren't the environmentalists pissed at the carbon footprint of this damn baton?

samar11: Kalmadi was fighter pilot in 1971, why couldn't the pakistanis have shot him down then?

sidin: Indian Railways also has a great ad for the occasion. First class! I shed 2 Tiers of pride.

shanx13: Who the hell are those fat aunties in the Indian contingent? I seriously hope they're not competing

gkhamba: Someone slap MMS and Patil and tell them to smile, wave, DO SOMETHING!

sunainak: Pratibha Patil ko bhi paseena aata hai

gkhamba HOLY! Indian contingent is HERE :D Looks like 680 people coming to drop off Abhinav Bindra at the airport

gkhamba: Turks and Caicos islands. Karan Johar is getting a shitload of new locations to get a "new look" for his movie

gkhamba: Tonga. Banned in North Delhi and parts of Calcutta

gkhamba: Swaziland. Where illegal Punjabi immigrants land up thinking they're going to Switzerland

sifar: Wow, the St. Kitts placard holder is HOT! #cwg

gkhamba: Sri Lanka is here. Crowd goes WTF not again. #TooMuchCricket

gkhamba: The South African contingent is here. Unfortunately, Lalit Modi is not the flagbearer

gkhamba: Singapore. The crowd roars because of the easy visa and cheap flight tickets

lavsmohan: Seychelles sea shells on the sea shore

samar11: Thought I knew every country but never heard of Niue

sunainak: Some place called Samoa. Damn they just missed it by a S! #Samosa

twilightfairy: yes good question. where is that widow from nigeria whose hubby left her so much money that she wanted my bank acct no?

gkhamba: The hot women leading the contingents are brought to you by the Frankfinn Air-hostess Academy

gkhamba: Here comes Nigeria. Kalmadi sent them a mail offering 1,00,000 $s in exchange for a vote. They said "We're not falling for that one".

shanx13: The Isle of Man flag is like Supercool!

twilightfairy: "isle of man" - yeh kaunse desh hain bhai??

sidin: Huge contingent from England. Not the first time that has happened. Hope they go back soon this time

sunainak: Falkland Islands are the opposite of Virgin Islands?

shanx13: The Raj gives it back to us! The English contingent wears Indian clothes for the #CWG opening. Now that's a #win. I Like

LimeIce: Whats with the Virgin in British Virgin Islands? How were all these people born?

diogeneb: Bermuda contingent is wearing 'full pant'. #Outrage

tantanoo: I am so getting this Aerostat thingy for my wedding. #dahej

mohak: Prince Charles has texted the Queen "Mom, you are missing this awesome shit, Camilla is tripping on the beats" #CWG

gkhamba: Stadium looking hot. Manmohan Singh walking in with the only man who can steal money from Rajnikanth - Mr. Kalmadi.

STOP! You have reached the end. Now start reading upwards from here.

Virtual Tour...of Real Lies!

Genre: India

Off late, anyone with a spare building and a couple of unemployed graduates willing to masquerade themselves as "professors" is out opening "world-class" Management Institutes and Engineering Colleges all over India, and their websites are, amusing to say the least. Here are some samples-

Hot chick: check; studious girl: check; sardarji: check; orthodox Muslim girl: check; firang blonde: check; mandatory black guy: check! Mall me se Rs 50 deke utha laaye sabko, haath me ek book pakda diya, smile for a group photo and bingo! Ho gaya "cultural diversity"

Waah! Kya naam hai! Only one small problem- the photo on the website homepage isn't quite "accurate"!

US university style logo, in-our-dreams campus ka ek photo, mandatory "cute chick" and suited-booted-guys and here we go! Website ready!

I bet that brunette on the homepage has never even heard the name of this university! And dude, what's that? Gaudy golden convocation gowns? Kaunse maharishi ke shishya ho bhai tum?

Hey wait! Didn't you guys just tell us to think beyond the IIMs?

...run by the biggest ass on Earth!

I cannot help but make an honorable mention here of a certain institute that has withstood the test of time and market trends as far as design of its website goes. Please have a look-

Un-commonwealth Games

Genre: India

I have been told there is something called Commonwealth Games that will start in New Delhi in 80 days from now and will bring hundreds of foreign athletes. But considering general lack of interest among Indians in any game that is not cricket, and the incomplete infrastructure at the "Games Village", I think it would be better off if the Indian Government shifts the event out into the streets of Delhi and instead of the usually boring events, add some variety to it by featuring some uncommon events like these-

1. Yamuna Survival Race

Instead of swimming up and down in crystal clear waters of swimming pools, participants will be given the more challenging task of swimming in the dark thick mucky water-like liquid that flows in Yamuna, their path blocked by hundreds of strategically placed floating plastic bags, bottles and bathing buffalos. This will drain out (no pun intended) the participants and will attract huge crowds.

2. Rapist Run

This will be a women-only event where the participants will have to smartly dodge several men out to grope them on roads and possibly rape them in cars. Hundreds of experienced volunteers from GRAD (Gropers & Rapists Association of Delhi) have expressed interest in providing their service for this event. "I have groped and passed lewd comments at more than 500 women so far in parks and roads of Central Delhi during my career and I am excited about the service we can provide during the Games", said Pappu Sharma, GRAD chairaman.

3. New Delhi station Obstacle Course

In this event, participants will be brought to New Delhi railway station with instructions to board particular trains, and the controllers will shift the arrival of the train from, say, Platform No. 3 to Platform No. 16 just two minutes prior to arrival, thereby challenging the participants to make their way through the stampede of thousands of passengers, strewn luggage and narrow bridges to make it to the right platform in time. An insider said, this event will be made more challenging by not announcing the coach position of arriving trains or displaying random coach positions to make the run even more difficult for the participants. Jaspal Singh, controller at New Delhi 'B' cabin gushed, "We have been doing this on a daily basis since years now, you know it gives an adrenaline rush, now I am glad we have been asked to do the same for the Games!"

4. BMW presents Dodge Me If You Can

This event will involve participants dodging their way, saving their life across streets of Greater Kailash as a bunch of drunk sons of rich influential businessmen prowl in their BMWs to run them over. This event has brought a lot of excitement among GK-2 residents, evident in the voice of Raj Malhotra who gushed, "I have my BMW M6 Coupe ready and raring to go! I can't wait to hit the streets and try running over a few hapless participants! I have already challenged Bunty that I can mow down more pedestrians than his X3! Yo man! It's gonna be fun!"

5. Shoot Red Beacons

This is probably the most interesting event and will be held on Rajpath and Janpath. Similar to clay shooting, this will comprise of participants standing at vantage points between India Gate and Rashtrpati Bhawan ready to shoot as many red beacon lights as possible installed atop the passing Ambassadors and other VIP cars. It is estimated that every participant will get around 78 targets to shoot considering the number of red-beacon VIP cars seen in this area on any given day. "Getting crowd to see this event will not be a problem", explained a mamber of Games organing committee, "because anyways whenever any VIP cars are passing, we stop all traffic on all sides for 30 minutes or more, resulting is massive traffic jams. I am sure we will provide wholesome entertainment to the common citizens of Delhi by this event."

________________

Note from the writer-

Do not worry. Nothing of this sort will happen.

To experience the best Indian hospitality
Visit Delhi for the Commonwealth Games 2010

!ncredible !ndia welcomes you!

India According to Mumbaikars

Genre: Humour

Click on image to view full-size

9 Months

Genre: Life

Today marks the end of 9 months of my stay in USA, and as I head home for the summer, a look at things that changed (and the ones that didn't) during my time at Virginia Tech-

- I started loving Mexican food.

- I learnt the basics of a new sport - American Football.

- I realized that "multi-cultural environment with students from diverse backgrounds" in Electrical Engineering means classes full of Indian and Chinese with not a single American girl.

- I can now speak English in three accents - my natural accent, American accent and Tamil accent.

- I learnt cooking. Indian, Italian, Mexican, Maggi.

- I started believing orange and maroon is actually a nice color combination.

- I started enjoying the luxury of stepping out of the house without checking how much money is present in the wallet, thanks to the omnipresent debit card.

- I learnt a new meaning to Unity in Diversity. Festivals originating from completely different cultures- Halloween, St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo have one unified form of celebration- get drunk.

- I adjusted to using paper instead of water.

- I realised that today Americans, most of them, have great respect and love for India, contrary to common belief.

- I learnt what convergence means. Surfing the net, doing homework, watching TV, reading newspaper, everything happens at one place- on the laptop.

- I realised that unlike in India, in some countries public transport is a luxury, not an omnipresent basic amenity.

And there are some thing that have not changed-

- I still love trains. The Indian ones.

- I still watch cricket matches, and not football or baseball.

- I still look forward to Hindi movies, and have seen more of them than English movies in nine months.

- I still read The Times of India daily, not The New York Times.

- I still have all Hindi songs on my playlist on my music player. No Lady Gaga.

- I still love Mumbai. New York was awesome, but Mumbai is Mumbai.

Temple

At a multi-cultural students' gathering in a little town in USA-

American Guy (AG): Ah! India! Where is that famous temple?

Roomie 1 (R1): Which? Tirupati?

AG: Umm.. no..

Roomie 2 (R2): Golden Temple?

AG: Umm.. no..

R1: Meenakshi Temple?

AG: Um.... not that...

R2: Khajuraho?

AG: Naah.. that big one...

R1: Rameshwaram?

Random Guy walks in: Taj Mahal?

AG: Ah! YES!

Me, R1, R2: *facepalms* :|

Gandhigiri FAIL

Warning: Explicit language. Read at your own risk.

Genre: India

It is this ghastly incident that made me write this post so soon after the previous one.

Once again India has been hit by terrorism, this time not from across the border but from within the country itself. The biggest pain-in-the-ass of our country, the Naxals butcher 74 CRPF soldiers as India watches in shock and awe. Like always, the Government gave out stupid statements. Home Minister P. Chidambaram says "We should have not lost so many lives." True. Yet, why does time and again India suffer at the hands of a handful of assholes? Why does a Kasab here, a Naxal there keep killing Indians at will and the government do nothing to stop it?

They say we are a non violent country following the ideals of Gandhi. The problem is, our government seems to follow it a bit too much. Gandhi once famously said that if someone slaps you on one cheek, give him another cheek, and our government keeps doing that. So, that son-of-a-bitch Kasab, having killed hundreds of Mumbaikars, enjoys his five-star stay in Arthur Road Jail, complete with his choice of newspapers, cologne and chicken tikka. These Naxals kill 74 security jawans, and the government says that no offensive strikes will be conducted against them.

How long should we keep tolerating this? For how long will hard-earned money of taxpayers go into providing security and special treatment to a terrorist? Why shouldn't he be tied with the very same hand-grenades he lobbed around at CST and blasted to death in full public view? Why can't the government order the Air Force and Army to launch a joint air-and-ground assault to wipe out the Naxalite camps once and for all? Every year millions of dollars are spent on signing new defence deals, so why isn't this arsenal used to get rid of these suckers? How many more attacks will it take before the Government wakes up to the fact that these idiots are neither Hindu, nor Muslim, nor votebanks. They are simply parasites eating up the country.

Gandhi's principles may have worked to get the British out of this country, but they certainly are NOT going to work in today's scenario. In fact, even trying to make them work is sheer stupidity. It is high time Gandhigiri is given a backseat and Bhagat Singh, Rajguru and Sukhdev are brought to the forefront. These are the true heroes the country needs to look up to today. The sooner the morons in New Delhi realise this, the better it will be for India. Till then, keep paying your taxes on time so that Kasab can enjoy his Chicken Tikka.

Those Were The Days…

Genre: Entertainment

Long before television was flooded with soap operas and reality shows, when Internet had not penetrated into the average household, GTalk, Facebook and Orkut were not the most popular means of timepass, most Indian kids used to look forward to classic Disney cartoons for enjoyment and when I think about it now, how I wish I could go back to those days of clean and simple entertainment, away from the clutter that we call “entertainment” today. If you were in primary school in India of the early 1990s, chances are that you were as big a fan of these classic cartoons as I am.

Thanks to YouTube I managed to find videos of title tracks of some of these all-time favorites. As you see each of the videos below, try humming the theme song along and I am pretty sure you’ll be pleasantly surprised at yourself that you still recognize all the characters and know almost all the title songs by-heart!

Here we go-

Duck Tales: The adventures of Uncle Scrooge probably remain the most popular among Indian kids of the 90s (which includes me too). I have even seen instances of this title song being sung in Antakshari on college trips as late as 2008!

Aladdin: This one used to be my personal favorite. In those innocent days, Jadooi Kaalin was the funkiest thing to possess, Iago the motor-mouth parrot was too funny and Jasmine was probably my first “crush” long before I even knew what it means!

TaleSpin: This is yet another series I never missed. Baloo the pilot and his little wiz-kid was the coolest jodi around and I used to eagerly await to see what new “adventures” they are upto every evening. 

Gummi Bears: This was probably not as popular as the other ones, but it used to be my personal favorite (alongwith Aladdin) and I distinctly remember Zee TV screening the two of these back-to-back every alternate evening on Disney Hour.

(I couldn’t find the Hindi version of this anywhere! If someone has it, please let me know!)

This discussion would not be complete without a tribute to our very own desi cartoon hero. Yes, you guessed it right – Mowgli! Hats off to The Jungle Book for surviving even among the barrage of Disney cartoons. By the way, if you can’t sing along THIS song, doob maro!

They Don’t Believe – The Larger Picture

Genre: India

Continuing from my previous post on how people from other cities in India refuse to believe some common realities about Mumbai, moving one step ahead, here is a sample of misconceptions harbored by Americans about India as a whole.

They refuse to believe that multi-national food chains like McDonalds, Pizza Hut and Subway exist in all Indian cities and that most of us 21st century Indians have grown up on staple diet of same (unhealthy!) fast food as them!

They refuse to believe that we have access to English music and Hollywood movies in our homes and that most of us are as ardent fans of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and VH1 as them.

They refuse to believe that all of us who have come here for our Masters and are in our twenties are un-married and not even thinking of getting married anytime soon. Their impression is that in India, everyone gets married by eighteen.

They refuse to believe that Indian cities have 50-floor high skyscrapers and underground metro networks. In fact, most amusing part was an American grown up in rural Blacksburg asking me if landscape in “under-developed places” like Mumbai comprises of fields and forests! I so much wanted to tell him - “Idiot, on the contrary, it’s YOU who lives in a village!”

For most Americans, India still remains an under-developed third-world nation in some obscure corner of the world. And I don’t blame them completely. Agreed that people in this part of the world are intellectually challenged but we are the one who have played a major role in creating this image of India in the Western world.

We are the ones who lap up a British movie showcasing extreme-negative image of India and proudly claim it to be “Indian” movie simply because it won the Best Picture Oscar. More than that, we have “leaders” throwing shoes and slapping fellow legislators in the House, setting public property on fire without caring a damn to the fact that these “action scenes” are telecast live on TV and makes world news, eventually strengthening India’s image of a “poor law-less country stuck in anarchy and ruled by barbaric hooligans”.

It’s high time we realize we have inflicted enough damage to India’s reputation in the world and it is going to take substantial effort to correct this (if at all someone decides to). In the meantime, the next time an American exclaims “Oh My God! You have McDonalds and Pizza Hut in India???” (heard this almost 10 times so far!), I am simply going to tell - “No man! Are you crazy? We live on a staple diet of grass and mud.”

PS: This is my first post published using Windows Live Writer that came with my Windows 7.

They Don't Believe!

Genre : India

After numerous “my city vs your city” comparison talks in the last two months with students from all over India (including many who have never been to Mumbai), I find it hard to believe that they don’t believe some common facts about Mumbai:

They don’t believe that in Mumbai, auto-rickshaw drivers actually charge by the meter and not in multiples of 10 (Their city : “50 lagega…chalo 40 de dena!”)

They don’t believe that in Mumbai, you cannot evade traffic cop by bragging about your family (Their city : “Jaanta hai mera baap kaun hai?”)

They don’t believe that in Mumbai, local trains have a First and Second Class and all passengers strictly follow the distinction (Their city: “Ghus jaane ka na kidhar bhi…kaun dekhta hai”)

They don't believe that in Mumbai, male passengers never travel in coaches in trains marked as 'Ladies' (Their city: "Voh sab toh likha rehta hai. Padhta kaun hai". See Proof in photo.)

They don’t believe that in Mumbai, if you are caught travelling in First Class with a Second Class ticket, you will always be charged a fine of Rs 250 (Their city: “TC ko Rs 20 chai-paani de deneka. Baat khatam”)

They don’t believe that in Mumbai, city bus drivers actually follow road rules. (Their city : “Jahaan passenger dekha, vahaan road ke beech me bus khada kar denge”)

They don’t believe that in Mumbai you have to stop at all traffic signals and follow all road signs. (Their city : “Itna sab dekhte baithta toh paagal ho jaata”)

They don’t believe that in Mumbai, you can hail a taxi just like an auto-rickshaw and pay by the meter reading. (Their city : “Taxi ka fixed rate lagega. Rs 200 se kam kuch nahi”)

They don't believe that in Mumbai, you have to always wear a helmet while driving a two-wheeler (Their city: "Koi nahi pehenta. Police wala kitne logo ko pakdega?")

They don’t believe that in Mumbai, you can get everything from Pav Bhaji and Vada Pao to Pizza and Noodles on the roadside carts (Their city : “Pav Bhaji aur Pizza koi road pe thode hi bechta hai!”)

I always knew Mumbai was well-behaved, organized and different from other cities of India, but didn’t know the difference was so stark!

Proud to be a Mumbaikar!

PS : The above facts have been compiled from subjects coming from Delhi, Chennai, Kolkata, Bangalore, Hyderabad, Vadodara. Discerning reader should be able to distinguish comments by cities.

My apologies to readers who do not understand Hindi. Translating the comments into English would kill the fun!

"Amrika Me Aisa Kya Hai...?"

Genre: Humor

I usually do not write consecutive posts on same/similar topics but making an exception this time owing to popular demand. Ever since I moved to अमरीका के संयुक्त राज्य (USA for the uninitiated) from Mumbai two months back, I have been bugged with queries on the lines of “America me aisa kya hai jo India me nahi?”. So here we go- some interesting (and not-so-interesting) observations about life in USA viz-a-viz life in India-

Cleanliness and Discipline – Tonnes of paper (and Gbs of webspace) has been wasted on this topic so I will not add much to the clutter, but add just a few pennies- what struck me (and fellow Desis) the most immediately on landing on American soil was the difference in level of cleanliness all around- till date we have not been able to figure out after all where does all the dirt, dust and assorted pollutants go in this country? It's so clean that I don't feel the need to take a bath for days together! (Oops! I revealed a closely-guarded secret!)

Discipline (especially on the roads) is another aspect that is hard to digest for us Desi people. After all, while in India, when was the last time (or maybe the only time) you actually searched around for a Zebra Crossing to cross a two-lane street? Here, pedestrians crossing the road is considered an event bigger than The Big Bang and the moment you step onto a road, all cars will stop for the VIP (i.e. you) to cross! Similarly, if you are driving on a multi-lane road, at a red signal, you will find 25 cars halting one behind the other in one lane even when the adjacent lane is completely empty! Compare this with the scene in India where on a two lane road, we have a left lane and a right lane interspersed with a scooter lane, rickshaw lane and occasionally a cow/bullock cart lane! So much is the obsession with discipline that all the footpaths are color-coded with different colors representing different rules on stopping/parking- this is something I realised only when I gave my Driving License Test- I always used to think the colors are purely for decorative purpose!

Manners and Dressing – We were told umpteen times during the various Pre-departure orientations that Americans are very friendly people and this seems true, atleast in the first month of arrival- random people will greet/smile at you on the streets and everyone, including the Bus Driver says “Hi” and “Thank You” to boarding / disembarking passengers. Imagine the driver and conductor of BEST's 84 Ltd doing that in morning peak hours! Another interesting point worth mentioning here is that while we think that Americans are very formal and cleanliness-freaks, the fact is that will sit down virtually anywhere – on the pavement, in the aisle in the bus, in the corridors...and you thought this happened only on our railway stations in India!

When it comes to American dressing, I am sure the fashion-conscious (Indian) girls would have a lot to crib about – wearing non color-coordinated, un-ironed, mis-fitting (too large or too small) clothes is the trend here! Another area that is a potential research topic (provided VT gives us funding for it) is trying to figure out the genetic mutation that makes the American girls feel cold only in upper half of the body- after all what explains wearing full-sleeved tshirts an jackets teamed with mini-skirts?  

The Crowd – I do not know if this is a pan-USA phenomenon or limited to the College Town of Blacksburg, but I have found the crowd (read: students) to be very courteous and friendly। Everyone will hold the door open for you, make liberal use of “Hi”, “Sorry” and “Thank You” and most of them (especially the undergrad girls) will smile back if you just look at them! A related point worth noting here- a lot of Spanish/Latin American girls on campus look very similar to Indian girls and I have found out that the only way to clear out the confusion is to just look at her and smile- if she smiles back, she is Spanish/Latin American; if she gives a grumpy “Who are you?” look, she is Indian for sure.  

The Bollywood Connection - Even before you finish saying "Indian movie...", every single soul here will jump back with "Yeah! I have seen Slumdog Millionaire!". Tell them that is NOT an Indian movie, and then the real fun begins. So we have all possible samples from Li Hu, the Chinese PhD student who entertained us with an (awful) rendition of "Tum Paas Aaye" from Mohabbatein to Matt, my Black Manager at Food Court who raves about seeing Dhoom to the Nepali co-worker who, of all the movies, decides to give me a detailed appreciation of TIRANGA ("Nana Patekar. Solid!"). Three cheers to Bollywood- Taking India to the World!

I guess I will stop here before the “moral police” comes with a danda, branding me “Anti-Indian”!

१०० में से ८० बेईमान,
फिर भी मेरा भारत महान!

Jai Ho!

Genre: Current Affairs

A lot has been said and heard about how the politicians in India are lazy, indifferent and out-of-sync with the real world and the issues that bother the Common Man. However, very few of them are 'smart' (read: stupid) enough to publicly demonstrate these qualities. Fortunately, it seems I have found one such sample-

The newly-elected MP from my constituency- Mr. Sanjay Nirupam, in his first interview to The Times of India after winning from Mumbai North quotes- "My first priority now is quadrupling of Borivali-Virar railway tracks which has been the long standing demand of 18 lakh commuters."

Just to let you know Mr. Nirupam, the Borivali-Virar Quadrupling Project has already been completed more than two years ago! Itne saal so rahe the kya? Jaago Re!

Thank You for letting us know how "informed" neta we guys have chosen to represent us for the next five years! I am feeling glad I did not waste my valuable vote on you.

Jai Ho!

P.S.: It seems our "techno-savvy" netaji writes a Blog too! See it here. No prizes for guessing who actually posts on it.

Flop Five of 2008

Genre: Blabber

The Five Most Shameful Events of 2008. Let's hope some lessons are learnt from these and we do not see a repeat of it in 2009.

5) Business: Mamta's Roadblock
Vote-hungry Mamta Banerjee's opposition to Tata setting up their mega factory for Nano car in Singur reaching such heights that Tata had to pack up lock stock and barrel left a permanent stain on India in general and West Bengal in particular as being industry-unfriendly state.

4) Entertainment: Lazy Lamhe (Thoda Pyar Thoda Magic)
Agreed there were worse songs than this in the year and worse movies too but this one makes the list for sheer insensitiveness on the part of the director. What the hell was a vulgar cheap song meant solely to show off Amisha Patel's newly acquired figure doing in a Children's Film?? Shame on you, Aditya 'Despo' Chopra. Watch video here.

3) Sports: Harbhajan Singh
Some people just don't learn from their mistakes. After all the brouhaha over Symonds-monkey issue, one expected Harbhajan to mellow down. But it was not to be. He created the most embarassing moment in cricket history by slapping his Team India collaegue S Sreesanth in public after an IPL match. Watch video here.

2) Nation: Note for Vote
We all know how corrupt and shameless our neta-log are but they showed their true colors when they actually brought crores of rupees in bribes right inside the Parliament House making a complete mockery of the Indian Democracy. Watch video here.

1) Politics: RR Patil
This one undobtedly tops the chart- Maharashtra's (now ex) Home Minister RR 'Bargirl' Patil's shocking comment - "Bade Bade sheheron me aise chhote chhote haadse hote rehte hai" describing the 26/11 attacks as a "small incident" made a complete fool of himself and agitated the already angry Mumbaikars eventually leading to his ouster. Watch video here.

Finally a special mention of all Hindi News Channels of India for throwing all rules, ethics and logic to the dogs and flashing every tiny event right from Amitabh Bachchan's re-birth to a black cat climbing onto a roof as "Breaking News". I am sure this will continue way into 2009 as well. If it stops, that would be the biggest Breaking News!